How Anxiety Builds Up In Us And Affects Our Relationships? Part 1


Picture yourself starting a new relationship. For the first couple of weeks you are enjoying those exquisites’ moments before, during and after you meet him. He’s all in and so do you. Suddenly something changes! You can’t explain it but you’re starting to feel anxious and stress out about the relationship. Then you think to yourself: “I think he has changed or maybe he’s loosing interest”. If he really has changed, a possible explanation could be that he’s only getting comfortable with the relationship and he doesn’t feel the need to wow you anymore so his attention is elsewhere or maybe he’s just stressed out and he’s trying to cope with it all by himself but his interactions with others are suffering, or it might be only your thoughts!

Two limiting beliefs that may be sabotaging your success in a relationship!

There are more than two limiting beliefs that can hinder our capacity to have healthy relationships but today I will only write about two.

Limiting belief number one: Jumping to conclusions. You make negative interpretations even though there are no real facts that support your conclusion. One of the most common attitudes that help this belief to prevail is when we equal our past experiences to the present. The truth is that our past experiences are not always an indicator of how the present is going to develop. Nothing is static, so the notion that the past is a proof of the present is not accurate. Everything is evolving, everybody is changing for the best or for the worst but nothing is the same. Another attitude that supports this notion is to believe that if you expect the worst you will most likely be right, or if you always expect the worst you will be less disappointed. When you’re on this belief system you’re always expecting cold water on your back and you’re always on the defensive. Another attitude that supports this belief would be to compare a certain situation with someone else’s experience, if this has happened to them sure would happen to me.

I know how hard is to stop trying to be a fortune-teller and a mind reader, but if at least we can recognize that we do it, we’re already ahead on this domain.

Limiting belief number two: Should statements. We have expectations and nothing should be different, or else. “He should tell me how he feels”. I’m not saying a woman should not expect a man to express his feelings, actually that is not the point, the point is the he SHOULD do it no matter what! Flexibility is a key life tool for a more healthy and satisfying life.

Neuroscience has demonstrated that trying to fix any negative pattern is like going to the gym. It will only give you results if you’re persistent and make it a lifestyle change and not a quick fix. If you have been practicing negative thoughts all your life, as most of us have, chances are that your neurone-work is very strong due to the constant reinforcement. So how do you fix it? The answer is as simple as one word: Mindfulness! To be mindful of the pattern and change it, you have first to catch yourself in the negative thought, be curious and investigate the real reason of why are you feeling that way (it’s usually beyond the moment itself, most of the times it's fear the main cause) and then accept it for what it is with a kind heart. Be a loving friend to yourself and take a moment to be forgiving and compassionate of your negative patterns, you were just not aware that you were making them stronger. Being aware of what you practice mentally and choosing to incorporate kindness in your patterns will help you reduce the strength of those negative thoughts.

Remember: Catch yourself, be curious and accept it with a loving heart! But wait, what if your hunches are more than hunches? What if he's really acting cold and hot? Please check this post about: Why is he hot and cold? Is he emotionally unavailable or a player?

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