I was shock when I heard the story of my friend that told me how her closest family and friends were constantly telling her that it takes two to destroy a relationship! She was so devastated. No one really understood her situation. Sadly she was starting to believe those negative messages and she thought she was also to blame. What? Her husband was a jewel. He was a very reactive man and he was constantly putting her down. In one occasion when the discussion was very agitated, he lost his temper and started to beat her. The abuse escalated from verbal to physical.
Despite her disappointment and pain, they stayed together and tried to fix their relationship. He continued being the same reactive, unmerciful, selfish person he was before. Actually nothing really changed in their relationship. Their story went from difficult to a nightmare status. Of course she was constantly on her toes, highly anxious and insecure. The truth is that they couldn’t fix the relationship because he was not equipped with the most elemental tool kit to have a healthy, meaningful and loving relationship from the beginning.
What are the things that ONE partner can do to ruin a relationship?
Have a strong belief system. He thinks he’s always right. The world is against him. He is always a victim. He thinks nobody is really to be trusted. He’s always negative (he always sees the glass half empty). He believes men are under attack.
Being a chronic liar. He lies constantly and if he gets caught he denies it or gets mad at you.
Have two faces. The socially face that shows a respectable man and his mean face, that arises only with you, of course when nobody is watching.
Have a strong feeling of entitlement and never apologize. And when he does apologize, he doesn’t mean it.
He never takes advice or criticism positively. He might even become violent when you point out something negative about him.
Being a narcissist and selfishness. He doesn’t take your feelings into consideration and everything revolves around him.
He lacks of empathy. He feels not remorse and he’s constantly abusing his partner emotionally, verbally, physically, financially, or even sexually. Some women get confused with men that present this trait because these men are not always mean with you or with others.
He lacks self-compassion. He might lead an unhealthy emotional or physical lifestyle. He might be dealing with a strong addiction (substances, pornography, gambling, or food).
Many people that present the traits listed above are unaware of them.
Please note that it doesn’t matter what your family or friends say, if your partner is broken he will not be able to have a healthy and meaningful relationship with anyone. Get some relief because it’s not YOU, it’s really him the problem!
What can you do if you are in a relationship where it’s not YOU, it’s HIM the problem?
I can sadly report that I’ve been in this type of relationship several times. No, I don’t feel a victim now, but I felt then and I know very well the struggle, although I was never abused physically, the worst abuse was the emotional. Here, I will tell you what I did to solve my dilemma in those many occasions and what I have being able to advice and seeing positive results.
Do not take the blame. Seriously is not your fault. You cannot save a person that doesn’t acknowledge his faults or that doesn’t want to be saved. It’s not your role to be the saviour. It has to be his decision to change. If he recognizes that he has a problem, he should be doing all the necessary to change with concrete actions. Do not expect a fast change. Remember that change can takes a lifetime, and not everybody is really capable of it. In certain occasions people change in the face of a very strong and impactful situation.
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, actions and especially your decisions. This is the most important thing I always did and has saved me from falling into depression. I could felt very bad, sad and frustrated, but I never felt depressed, thanks to this. I thought, well, this is my life and I wanted to lived it on my terms, and I didn’t wanted to pay attention to the early signs, because you and I know that there were signs at the beginning of the relationship. Do you remember them? They were all the over the place and we simply decided to mute them. But don’t feel bad about it, this kind of behaviour is just natural to almost any human because our biology was doing its job providing all the good feelings we were experiencing when the relationship started, it give us a doping effect and we only wanted more of those good moments. In reality, our biology and subconscious mind are stronger that our conscience mind.
Practice daily self-compassion. Taking care of your emotional and physical wellbeing is proven to improve your self-image, your self-esteem and help you find balance in life.
Do not accept any type of abuse. Disrespect, contempt, lies; physical or emotional, or any other abuse should be banned from your life if you want to be in a healthy relationship.
Improve the quality of your thoughts. You are what you think
Assess your relationship. Take your time and try to be very honest and objective. Put blame on the side and just acknowledge the facts. How your relationship evolved to the point that it's now? When did everything started? How do you fit into it? You are the only one that can decide if the relationship is worth it or not.
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