(By the end of this post I tell you how to stop scratching your head about this issue)
Have you ever asked yourself?
Why is he ignoring me?
Why is he not replying to my text(s)?
Why is he so insensitive?”
When a man is sometimes nice and caring and sometimes aloof and cold, some women assume that he’s emotionally unavailable. In many cases, this explanation gives them certain relief because they think they have figured him out. But while they might be right, knowing that he’s emotionally unavailable doesn’t fix their problem. And sadly, in many cases this diagnosis is not the right one, and that my friend, is even worse because you will be investing your heart, soul and time in the wrong man.
When it comes to relationships there is no black and white, but a lot of shades and many varieties in between. Nevertheless, when you’re starting a relationship or if you are already in one, it’s important to know that there are some ways to identify important patterns and assess if the person has your best interest in mind.
If you want to identify if you are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person or one that’s only playing with you, check the following patterns and identify where he fits in.
Pattern #1 The emotionally unavailable.
This man may be genuinely interested in you. He may care about you and may make you feel valued and even loved. The problem is that his childhood left him with deep scars and unresolved issues that affect his romantic relationships, so he avoids emotional closeness to protect himself. He equates closeness with pain. He might have this issue without even knowing it.
No matter your intentions, words or actions, YOU can’t change this pattern. This has nothing to do with you, it’s all in his emotional makeup. Yes, he’s emotionally unavailable. That’s why when emotions get stronger, he becomes cold and distant to protect himself. According to Attachment Theory, this person has an avoidant attachment style.
How to identify if he has an avoidant attachment style?
The sure way is by doing a test - you can check online one of those attachment style test to confirm your doubts.
The other way to identify his attachment style is by observing his behaviour and communication.
He might think or say things like:
“I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”
If his attachment style is really avoidant and you decide to stay with him he should not be disrespectful or mean with you, if that’s the case and he’s hot and cold, you’re not with an avoidant person, you’re with an abusive player that cares very little about you.
Now the truth is that most men have no real problems with commitment or are emotionally unavailable*
* About 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidant attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment. Check the source
1. You have to decide if you can accept his attachment style and live ok with the on and off of his emotions, hoping that he improves one day without you complaining about it.
Remember that you have to be ok that he just can’t stand emotional closeness and will show no interest in you or the relationship when things get too close or romantic, even if he cares about you and wants you in his life.
Apparently, certain people are capable of modifying their attachment styles, but they require awareness, willingness, willpower and of course it doesn’t happen overnight.
If the person is open to explore new possibilities and open to learning more about him or herself, there is hope for the future because with time and age most people tend to improve and in some cases people even search for new avenues of personal development.
I don’t want to give you hope, so please keep your expectations in check, because unless he decides to take the necessary steps to change, nothing will change!
Remember that it’s not YOU who can change something on the other person, we can only change ourselves. You can inspire him and support him. If you decide to stay, the best for you is to accept his attachment style and learn more about it.
2. The second solution is the hardest but for many women, it has been the only path to find peace, happiness and fulfillment, because as a woman you need, love, support, and care, but also the certainty to feel peaceful and secure, without all the previous elements you will never really feel fulfilled and anxiety free in your life. Yeah, sadly this option means to walk away.
Pattern #2 The player.
This is the typical man that is not capable of having meaningful conversations with you, he has no interest in your life, your feelings, your needs, your ideals or your goals. He might hear you talking, but he doesn’t recall what you said unless is important to him.
He only has one goal in mind: To satisfied his needs whatever they are.
How do you identify if he is a player?
He is not really interested in a meaningful romantic connection with you, but he needs you in his life for the time being.
He makes good use of you when he “needs you.”
He suddenly invites you to his place, and after he gets what he wants, you don’t feel welcome there anymore. His interest gets off. The typical “booty call.”
Even worse, some men can ask you to move in with them, because for the moment you can be of good use for their needs.
They will give you some nice words here and there and then maybe spend some time with you so they can convince you that they care about you, but in reality, you never feel loved, respected or valued.
So what about you?
You feel mostly insecure and anxious.
You’re constantly wondering: “Why he’s hot and cold? Why is he ignoring me? Why is he not replying to my text(s)? Why I feel there is something wrong?”
The truth is you don’t feel loved and you are perpetually confused and frustrated.
This man is not emotionally unavailable, he is just using you!
Two important characteristics of this man
If he’s incapable of being a fair, caring, and respectful partner he simply has a very clear agenda and it only includes the words “me, myself and I” on it. This means that if he stays with you only to get his needs met, he’s not a quality man.
Regardless of his quality as a person, he’s the man that once he meets the woman of his dreams becomes committed to the relationship. Yes, my dear, I have to tell you as it is. If he’s playing with you, you are not his dream woman.
1. You become a dream woman and start attracting true and fulfilling love.
What happens when you become a dream woman?
You might attract him or repel him.
Well, because if he’s a quality man and you’re his dream woman, you can turn the situation around and make him crazy about you and have a wonderful love story.
But if he’s not a quality man (he’s a conscious player), even if you become a dream woman, his intentions will not change and a dream woman will repel any player. These men are only interested in easy, vulnerable preys.
2. If you’re not his dream woman, there is only one solution for you. You leave and never come back. There is no point for you to waste your time and emotions in this situation, period.
If you want to attract true love and repel the players from your life you have to become a dream woman.
How do you become a dream woman?
Pattern #3 The interested player
THIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS OF ALL, THE ONE THAT WILL PROVIDE THE MOST HOPE BUT ALSO THE MOST PAIN.
Interestingly enough he’s genuinely interested in you, he really cares about you, the problem is that he’s so much more interested in having his cake and eat it. You know what I mean, right?
It means that while he cares about you, he is also interested in having fun, but not always with you. He is a selfish man, a narcissist, he lacks empathy, and of course, he’s a manipulator.
This is the man that will not only be checking out other girls in your face, he will be flirtatious with other women. This is the classic man that will cheat on you with a scary 99.99% certainty!
He will not be satisfied with the relationship and of course, neither do you. BUT you both love each other, right?
This man usually has no real problems with commitment. He might care about you but never the way you want and he will never be a good partner. He will give you so much pain and a little bit of joy, just enough to keep you there having hope.
People in this kind of relationship stay together only out of habit and out of the strong attachment that has nothing to do with love.
Most of us don't learn what love really is! Real love is not perfect but it shouldn’t be painful. Love is patience, is care, is compassion, is respect to say the least. If you don’t feel all that in your relationship, you can’t speak of love.
If you are in a relationship with an interested player -or winner illusion-, your relationship is only about two persons having a very strong attachment with tiny moments of hope and massive amounts of pain. You live with the hope that one day everything will change but that is only an illusion.
Only you have the power to change the illusion and start living in reality. Accepting and honouring your emotional needs. Loving yourself and acknowledging that you deserve REAL love.
My lovely, if you want a meaningful, loving and caring relationship where you feel secure, loved, respected, cherished and adored. You need to avoid falling for a man that has any of these 3 patterns. Because all of them represent more pain than pleasure for you. Maybe there are degrees especially with the first pattern, but still, you won’t be completely happy with any of these situations.
How can you avoid falling in love with the wrong man and attract true love?
There you will get all the tools you need to identify and avoid early on this type of situation.
But most importantly I will guide you on your path of attracting a true and epic love!
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My mission is to help you achieve the most extraordinary love life
Relationship Coach & Author of The Empowered Woman's Guide To Dating